Hello Jim - 

1st off, u told me that u walked fr me, because I was "crazy" 2 u, I'm sure the storm that were the S's u entered into were. I can sincerely say that sorry Jim, I am not "crazy" I have been tested. **GIGGLE** Sorry bad joke. But seriously, I think that my biological Father is certifiable. I was just reacting & hurting fr a lifetime of abuse. I thank u 4 lasting as long as u did. Back then.

Today C is so not the same person as the person u knew back then. Or did u even give yourself a chance to know me? We knew each other physically I can remember physically many things about u - I could easily name 5 things about u that make u Jim - But emotionally? In the ways that counted to make a relationship? Ummmmm, not so much. I am rambling. Sorry can type 98 w.p.m. U were always someone I remember(ed) fondly.

I am writing 2u as I was surprised by your questions... 2night... Thought u "knew" me better or rather "remembered" me better or rather that I shared "more" w/u... U asked me Y did I lose touch? W/H's... Tons of abuse happened in that house 4me & my mom - Because of Sam. In my youth - I walked out of that house - Tossed out actually @17 - Lived in my car 4a bit in the city - Then met people who gave me shelter "to make sure that I got my grade 12/graduated" I did so. I found strength to do it BY MYSELF completely. I reached out to my mom's sisters/my aunty's &they all told me no thanks, we don't want that monster/meaning Sam on our doorstep - As they were all, at that point, bringing up kids about your kids ages - Who wants a madman on their doorstep? Makes sense in a weird sort of way.

I carried anger/hurts w/me all my life like an invisible jacket or scarf always nearby - Never to discard - I replaced instead of inner working/therapy w/external things of further abuse 2myself.

Until 2years ago - I faced death - Looked it straight in the eye in fact - Surprise, surprise, my biological father could not care less that his "only" biological daughter was in such dire straights. Basically allot of what is the best word for the description of the 25 year relationship I had w/that man? SHIT a whole pile of stinky SHIT He massacred every relationship I had starting w/u Yet I always went back to my biological Father for what? More shit, more abuse. I had learned fr my mother that love = abuse

Well 2years ago when I looked death in its eye straight on & clearly - I had what Oprah Winfrey calls your "AHA" moment - I thought How do I want to cont. this life I have been given a 2nd chance w/? I walked fr my biological Father completely - Completely. I have not seen him, I don't have his cell number, his current address, or I do not even talk to any S. in fact - As they ALL took his side. While I lie dying They said u deserve this. I was like We share blood.

Ouch. 

2night u also asked me Y did I get in touch again? Meaning the H's. I have only gotten in touch w/my Mommy. As I faced death, it told me, Your Mommy misses u. Death speaks 2u, @least mine did. If that sounds crazy - 2u - I cannot control your reaction - I am telling u my truth(s) - I ph'd my Mommy & told her, Mommy I miss u & I forgive u & I am sorry for the hurts I have inadvertently caused u.

I also 2years ago have gone to therapy/intensive therapy (don't be rude here, & say OVERDUE or whatnot, or about time or no wonder U R CRAZY) Try living a life, my life, in my shoes for 5 minutes - Imagine your parents - every1 of your family turning away fr u - Thru no fault of your own - My maternal family because they were afraid of The Monster named Sam. My fraternal family because they loved to sleep w/my biological father's money & tons of it he has tossed their way throughout their lives - Every1 of them has houses because of him. Paid for. I could not pay the price he asked for - For that to be my house as well.

I do not know if u remember my biological father? Or step-mother? Or C? If u do, @all, is there any good memories of any S? That u met? U maintain u can't remember. So be it.

Well I have gone to therapy for 2 straight years. An art therapist - He is awesome - He has helped me immensely. I am no longer a cutter. Self-abuser. I no longer believe the words of either Sam or Danny that were said to me; that I was ugly/fat/too stupid for words, really etc etc I am financing myself thru school/University @last - ME - I am doing it. Me.

I am getting pretty good grades too. I think that u would be amazed at the C of today. She is softer to the touch, rounder around the hips, has to colour her hair, lets a few &$^#^#%^# slip every now & then lol But she holds her head up - I am a great friend to have - I have true friends in my life - Not fly by nights - I have another 3 months of therapy that I have paid for - I slip up every now & then - Will never be perfect.

I do not talk to my brother - by choice - Mainly his - I wrote 2him on his last birthday, told him that I loved him, missed my little/big brother that was my nickname 4him growing up as he grew so fast & I stayed 5'6" lol He did not acknowledge it - But I was not writing 2him for the response really - I was writing to him to write to him. To let him know I have always loved him, & always will. He IS my brother.

Can I tell u the relationship between me & my mother has all been a bed of instant roses? Hardly. Last year, her & Sam were in .... house-sitting which is .... & I am .... I said I could fly 2c her she was much 2busy - What lounging by the pool? We correspond by either letter or phone or text messages. That is it. I accept it. I have learned that u cannot "control" another human being. u r in control of U yourself that's it. I tell my mom everytime we correspond, communicate that I love her & I tell her that I love Chris. I write her letters/birthday cards/postcards/phone &just ask for "Is Mom there, please?" 1time my brother's daughter, Amy, who is 17, answered the phone, I identified myself &she said, "Oh it's u THE STUPID 1." I did not react, until later, when I meditated, &just re-asked 4my MOMMY please. I would not know Amy/my brother's daughter if I saw her walking down the street - She would know me because I look JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

In a long winded way, Jim, I'd like 2say, I'd like to be your friend. Write back/forth, share laughter. Or whatever. I remember u fondly in so many ways. I have photos still ofu - A collage I made 1year - Your grad photo, etc etc It was a time of near happiness I had almost in my life -

Do I write to get you back? I doubt if either 1of us will ever be in the same breathing space anytime soon. But who knows? What tomorrow will bring. I am just in the moment. The NOW. I don't believe in tomorrow. Never have. Not since 2 of my favourite people died &I was hoping to have them around forever. My Uncle P - u went w/me when he had just died. Doubt if u remember that. But I have a photo of u there. u didn't have to but u did. u did not know the man, @all, had never met him. But u did it 4Me. Took a big man 2do that. u were that man. My other Uncle D died. u met him once2. We went to his house once &u said we overstayed our welcome as everyone was yawning lol I just wanted to stay near him so much.

The C of today still has pets, art around her, &therapy for 3more months or something like that.

u can ask me anything - The C u knew lied lied lied Let me explain Y - The f'd up logic that was in my brain as to Y I should never tell a "C" truth - It does not make right-brain/logical sense So bear w/me But Sam had me so convinced after 14/15years of verbal abuse that the "real" C if exposed was Ugly/Stupid/Not WORTH KNOWING @ALL. Imagine your parent/Father-figure telling u every day how WORTHLESS u were EVERY DAY for 14/15 years - I created a different truth every time someone asked me about ME. I warned u it did not make "logical" sense... As the "real" true C was NOT WORTH KNOWING, k?

Well I am Jim. I am not Crazy. Never was. I was just in survival mode/savior mode of C since age4 when Sam entered my world &hit me for the 1st time. Can u imagine hitting your daughter to bruises level when she was 4? How vulnerable/small she was then? That was me. My mother "let" him.

Okay I believe u r asking yourself IF u have read this far - Y is she telling me all this. Because I value your opinion of me. Or rather I value u. Always will. u have the biggest part of my heart. Always did from your 1st smile my way. Or rather our first kiss. Stupid things - Which u r thinking there she goes again.

I offer u my friendship, IF u ever need a friend...

I'm offering my hand in friendship, I think we would laugh &U would say 1 of your statements that only u let fly & I will just shake my head lol & give u a smile thinking yep "my jimmy" is still in there somewhere. u made me ME in big ways & I think my love 4u, back then, made u JIMMY in many ways too... Good ways. Having someone's love, I don't think is ever a bad thing. u had mine. Completely. "Once upon a time"

u r welcome in my world, always Jim. If u ever need a friend. I'm sure the 1st 5 minutes would be awkward but then I'd say Jim, wouldu like 2c my world? I would walk b4 u, as opposed to how I always walked behind u b4 and w/a big smile, show u MY WORLD. SHARE it w/u.

M.!!!!
I think that u r a MIRACLE WORKER!!! U found the key!!! That broke the AHA MOMENT 4 me... U stated in our last session that "allot of people have hurt u" I looked at u & wondered WTF how DID u caught that, it made no sense to me AS 2 ME I was the CAUSE CAUSE CAUSE of the failings... Every1 else was PERFECT... Then I did a deep meditation today 90 minutes & it clicked - - ppl CHOSE 2 hurt ME i always internalized all the hurts & reversed it - 2 MY FAULT... e.g. 1) my father left because i was NOT born a boy & physically IMPERFECT/born w/a club foot... etc etc I was the fat lazy whore he described... I did not let him be a separate hurting identity capable of CHOOSING 2 hurt ME... Like he said as I moved into my home here in N. This is your last chance - Yet my love for him was open & always UNCONDITIONAL? I am finally able to DEEP BREATHE!!!! Hard 2 explain when 1 has been shallow breathing their whole life - - I just wanted to say THANK U 4 U... I have written 8 letters saying I FORGIVE U to all of the S's 4 being such f/ups NOTHING 2 DO W/ME hahahha THANKU This doesn't make sense2 u I am sure But u r doing your TRUE CALLING... I can DEEP BREATH... I wrote to my Father & said I was ready to talk to him & I would buy him a coffee. 1. & the rest of the S's got letters too. I am not expecting replies Just letting them know a) I forgive them for the HURTS they inflicted on me. I have. That I have released it & My path was never the 1 they all wanted mine to be. Never was, never could be, never will be. I always lived 4 them THEM THEM THEM It is so wrong to live 4 other human beings Be your own path Be it.
THEY HURT ME - w/o me being the CAUSE ALL I so thought I was short fat ugly not smart enough boring enough skinny enough WANTING MONEY MONEY MONEY physical enough on and on so many conditions to have a S's love... My path is MINE I am walking it now WITH my head held high and BREATHING and dancing... of course to 80's tunes lol & saluting w/white wine.

Well that was quite the message you sent me
I have always loved you, and your fathers words to me were not a copout it was an ultimatom
and since I had no idea that we have made a baby I thought it was best that you were happy and your father looked after you,and as far as the last time we were together if you remember you friend that was there with you was the one that insisted you got rid of me!!!
I was at the bottom but to proud to ask for help so again someone else prevailed and not johnny

I wanted to try and have a life with you but I guess it was never ment to be
when we made love it ment alot to me ,more than just a fuck in the passing night.....
I will always have a spot in my heart that belongs to you char
I do love you
John

I Did Something Today... 

That I had not done for a very long time... 

Call it foolish... 

But instead of going out solo... 

I would sit inside my home and have like a 

panic attack... 

Tonight I decided to take myself out... 

For dinner ... 

As someone as a way of thanks for my volunteering... 

Gave me a restaurant gift certificate 

Usually instead of going out 

SOLO 

I would sit at home and 

wish that I knew someone 

ANYONE 

to go out with... 

Instead today... 

I took myself out and read a book and enjoyed 

smoked salmon and a coffee licquer... 

Mmmmmm... 

Toasting myself and celebrating

ME. 

-charann 

http://fb.com/cascades.boutique?sk=app_155220281221025&ap

please click onto my link and JOIN JOIN JOIN if multiple people join i get a free xmas tree HELP ME please

The Light 

I was sittin' here... 

Drinkin' another glass o'wine... 

Takin' another drag of I don't know how many joints tonight... 

Strummin' my guitar 

It seems like a voice somewhere tells me 

Girl, you don't need that outside praise 

of a man, your daddy or any other man - -

You are everything and more, more, more!

You are wonderful 

Beautiful 

and 

Oh so much more... 

The lil' voice I finally hear 

I stand up and want 

want to 

cheer 

I've lived so many days 

Livin' for other's praise 

Especially my Daddy's 

Waitin' for him to say 

I love you 

Lil' Girl 

I look no more for those words 

As of this day 

I hold my head high...

and know 

Finally know 

I am beautiful 

Exciting and 

fine 

I am ready to live my life 

On my own - 

My own - 

Rules 

Mine. 

Yours, or his or him or him or him, 

I no longer need your rules - 

words 

or 

whatever - 

I am 

Me. 

I am 

Wonderful

Devine 

Woman 

and oh so 

Fine. 

(X5) .... fade away... 

with a tambourine... on the fade away...

-charann 

just had to share this photo :)

That is my biological Father. That is his only title that I am awarding him - Biologically he was/is my Father. He contributed nothing much more past that point. He has always been always about himself where I and my biological Mother were concerned.

He created me while he was still in Dentistry school. Their marriage did not last past his schooling. Were they too young for marriage? I know from a variety of sources that they got married because of his mother, my grandmother insisted that none of her sons created "bastards". So that is so not starting a marriage, or a life together with love. 

I have always wondered why I was brought into this world, like really? What a thought to carry through one's mind, constantly. As after my mother divorced the dentist she went onto to marry another monster male. Who was an ex-hutterite. Do you know what a hutterite is? A religion of interpretation of the Bible where the male reigns supreme. Women are way down the food chain. Should be servant to man and silent. Very silent. 

Which is to say that him and I butted heads often as I was a child of the 80's and 90's where women were finding their voice and how! Beatings were mine. 

I left home or rather I was forced from that home via my step-father after years of almost daily beatings, inappropriate touching and whatnot. I had left earlier at 13 but returned and then returned to "meet" my biological father at 19, as he lived in a whole other world - Thousands of miles from me, where I grew up. The meeting was like this - The very first day - 

As I stepped off the plane and was so excited about meeting my Father - The very first place we went to was not my new home - He picked me up in a trans am, souped up to the max, to the level that stereo speakers were even in the doors and sound just blasted as you drove - We screamed down the highway not to my new home but to a bar where we sat all afternoon until I was the designated driver of choice as I sat, almost catatonic in the corner and watched the drunks "perform". 

Up to this point, Father had never had another child in his life "just me" which he steadfastly ignored. As best as he could. Until I wrote to him at 19, demanding that I meet him finally. He said I could come out and move in with him with a ton of stipulations. His house, his rules. I must go to school, university, I must must must ... Rules, rules, rules. 

As he was a "rich" good looking single dentist, the women were many that came through the house... The one I would have chosen, was on the way out. The one that he chose I would never had chosen ever. She entered with the words to me, "I have a daughter, and I give you 4 years to be out of the picture completely." 

I watched gas, gas, gas parties down in the dental offices. Which I never partook of but my friends did. I walked thru one once and everyone was so high off of the dental laughing gas they were rolling on the floor nude and I left. Ugh. 

Another time, my Father was so high, when I returned home from University, my Father yelled up the stairs, as the Dental office was downstairs and we lived upstairs, that he was "protecting me from the Russians that were coming, didn't I see them?" 

He was firing out of the office windows at the street lamps, which in his delusional mind were the Russians that were attacking, of which he was protecting his daughter from. Oh yeah? I phoned the witch, asking her what I should do? Like really? She said, don't call anyone else, as my Father would lose his Dental license, if I did so. What she was really saying was she would lose her gold-mine, gravy train. 

Another time, my Father passed out on his sailboat, having just before passing out, threw down the anchor, but leaving the engine running. So he was doing doughnuts in the ocean when the water police (what are they called??) entered his boat. Finding him passed out in the captain's quarters. 

It was dropped. Of which my Father told me with a proud smile, that the judge and the prosecuting attorney now had perfect dental work. Nice "trade" for his dental licencse to continue!!!! 

I am not saying that through the years I was a saint. I was damaged goods, entering his household. But so was he. 

I acted up in many ways. I spent all his money, that he gave me, what is it called? Oh right an allowance. He threw money at me at the beginning. Until she entered the picture. But by then him and I were barely talking. She just jumped on it and increased the animosity. I was not following his rules. Y'see, his rules included the men I dated, loved and roomed with. 

His rules included the job I held. How I dressed and everything. I broke out BIG TIME. I did the polar opposite of everything he said. I loved my two men he despised. 

Jump ahead - My father in a drunken rage/binge/psychosis? Demanded I leave the home I was renting/to-own from him - Immediately. As there were no legal papers - As it was with my Father!!! What for? I was bounced out within 3 days. What a joke that "trial" was. I was there with legal aid Him with his money and legalize. JOKE JOKE JOKE Money buys you whatever you desire. Even your own daughter becoming homeless. 

I am in therapy. Can you tell. LOL Hoping to heal. Let go of the past. Until it roars itself up and I have a toothache and I have to stand in a NEW dental office and shake. Because of this rolly-polly mind of mine, I now fear dental work on my teeth. 

Ugh. 

I never fell in love, because I was craving my Father's approval. I wish I had had the will to "fall in love" completely to one of the 2 beloved men. Instead I let them go and I wonder, today, still, ooooooooooops? I did it again? 

Another man I had a baby with and my Father stepped in - Before my child was born, and said to the baby-daddy you are so not "good enough" for my daughter. The baby-daddy disappeared fast and I was left alone, due soon. I walked from my Father's world, never looking back and gave my daughter up for adoption and cried. 

Did I seek counseling then? No. Sex was my therapy. And lots of it. But never again to "fall into love." 

I am typing too much. And am going to go for a bike ride. Ciao.